Parenting in chronic pain
Trying to parent whilst living with pain, disability or a health issue can be unbearably hard. Here’s what I’ve learned about juggling the two
Exclusive | 2 min read | Invisible illness and disability
Chances are, most people are finding it challenging to parent right now. Covid-19 has impacted our lives and family relationships in almost every way, leaving many struggling without their usual support systems. Add to that financial worries and concerns of how to work and take care of their kids should they fall ill and stress levels are higher than ever.
But for people like me, parenting whilst being unwell isn’t a short-term fear. Once this pandemic is over I, along with 15 million other people in the UK, will still struggle with a chronic health condition - illnesses for which there are no cure.
I’m mum to 16-month-old Jude and also have Crohn’s Disease, an autoimmune illness. When in flare-up mode, it sees my digestive system attacking itself causing pain, digestive problems and fatigue.
Long-term
Crohn’s has always made my life more challenging. I follow a restrictive diet which makes socialising difficult. Flare-ups, treatments and operations have caused me to press pause on many aspects of my life. After many years of trying to find a work-life balance, I went freelance so I could set my own schedule around hospital appointments and bad days.
Thankfully, other than a planned c-section, my pregnancy with Jude went without a hitch. However, since a lack of sleep and stress can both be triggers for flare-ups, my first year of motherhood has been more challenging. Frustratingly, my symptoms grew increasingly worse as I breastfed (Irritable Bowel Disease has been linked to hormones), and cut my breastfeeding journey short.
But I got through it. Now, as I celebrate my son’s first year, I want to share my top tips for parenting whilst also living with a chronic condition.
Take any help you can get
Lots of mums don’t feel comfortable handing over their baby straight away but I knew really early on that raising my son would be a joint effort, and I’d need to rely on both sets of grandparents to rest for the sake of my health and return to self-employment. Once social distancing is no more, accept any help you can get (especially at the age when your baby really won’t notice whose shoulder they fall asleep on) and use it to rest, rest and rest some more!
Of course, that doesn’t have to mean leaving your baby or even leaving the house. Don’t be afraid to accept help with your washing, cleaning and cooking (even if it’s left at your doorstep) too.
Don’t hide your condition
Mums often make new friends from antenatal groups and much of the associated socialising revolves around eating. I was honest with fellow mums about my condition from the beginning. This meant they understood if I asked for a separate menu and could watch my baby whilst I nipped to the loo; making me feel much less anxious.
Keep on top of fatigue
Whatever your chronic condition, you’re probably no stranger to fatigue. It’s hard at the best of times, so add in a teething baby and a sleep regression and things can quickly become overwhelmingly exhausting. The most obvious solution to fatigue is rest but it’s not always possible to take yourself to bed for the day with a baby or toddler to look after. Instead, try to find regular pockets of rest time in the day.
Jude playing in a colourful ball pit. Photo: Jenna Farmer
Don’t feel guilty using all the tools at your disposal to entertain your child and have a breather, whether it’s popping them in a bouncer, letting them watch some telly or giving them a biscuit to chomp on. Use these smaller windows of time to put your feet up and don’t even think about cleaning!
It sounds obvious, but skipping meals can make fatigue worse. Fruit smoothies are a great, quick way of getting nutrition and it’s worth stocking up on ready meals or batch cooking so you always have a quick dinner available.
Keeping hydrated really helps too, especially if you are breastfeeding so fill up a big bottle of water at the start of the day and keep it in sight as a reminder to keep sipping.
Accept your limitations
Before I had a baby, I thought I’d breastfeed for ages, wouldn’t let him watch tv and would cook all his food from scratch. Yesterday my digestion went haywire and my son was teething badly. We watched five little ducks on repeat and I lost count of how many supermarket-bought snacks he had. But we got through it and, more importantly, I feel much better today.
Let go of idealistic views of parenthood and accept you can only do so much. As long as your child is fed, watered and clean, you’re doing a great job.
Jenna taking a break and enjoying a drink in her garden. Photo: Jenna Farmer
Self-care matters
When we’re responsible for a tiny human, things we used to do for ourselves like getting our hair cut or trying a new recipe each week can seem unimportant. But try not to lose sight of the little things that make you happy.
Make time for yourself, whether it’s signing up to a free online-course to do when your child is in bed, listening to your favourite podcast, or going for a walk while your baby naps in the pushchair. These little nuggets of self-care will make you feel a little more ‘like you’ again.
If living with a chronic illness has any upside, it’s that it teaches us resilience and patience. Although it can be so difficult to juggle it all, take reassurance that these qualities make us all great parents.
For support with chronic illness, visit CISFA UK
Find information about Crohn’s Disease: Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation
Do you have a chronic health condition? We’d love to hear your tips in the comments section below.
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