Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
BPD regularly makes me want to end my life, but some think this mental health condition is ‘sexy’ and I hate that. A lack of understanding fuels a lack of compassion so I’m lifting the lid…
Exclusive | 4 min read | trigger warning (sexual violence, suicide themes)
If you’re feeling suicidal, dial 999, call NHS Direct on 111 or contact Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123
I’d just learned the man I was in love with was planning a sex change. I walked out of my job as a classroom assistant, bought a bottle of vodka on my way home, and spent the afternoon drinking in bed. I texted a friend asking if he’d like to have sex with me and that night, I was still thinking of the person I loved as someone else was inside me.
After he left, I thought back to the time my mum told me I should have WHORE tattooed across my forehead.
I’m embarrassed about these things, which is why I’m writing anonymously, even though this temptation to act impulsively is not my fault.
I’m living with Borderline Personality Disorder, and self-destructive behaviour, like sexual promiscuity, can be one of the symptoms. Sometimes, I do terrible things in an acute phase of my mental illness.
Data collated by Mind suggests 2.4 in 100 people are living with BPD. In the USA, meanwhile, estimates have ranged between 1.4 and 5.9. Nearly 75 per cent of those diagnosed with BPD are women, but research suggests if it wasn’t for BPD in men being commonly mistaken for other conditions such as PTSD and depression, the split would be nearer 50/50.
Of the millions of us who suffer from BPD, up to 10 per cent will commit suicide. Almost 80 per cent will attempt it at least once.
My secret
Symptoms of BPD
Internationally recognised criteria are used to diagnose BPD. A diagnosis can usually be made if you answer yes to 5 or more of the following questions:
*Do you have an intense fear of being left alone, which causes you to act in ways that, on reflection, seem out of the ordinary or extreme, such as constantly phoning somebody (but not including self-harming or suicidal behaviour)?
*Do you have a pattern of intense and unstable relationships with other people that switch between thinking you love that person and they're wonderful to hating that person and thinking they're terrible?
*Do you ever feel you do not have a strong sense of your own self and are unclear about your self-image?
*Do you engage in impulsive activities in two areas that are potentially damaging, such as unsafe sex, drug misuse or reckless spending (but not including self-harming or suicidal behaviour)?
*Have you made repeated suicide threats or attempts in your past and engaged in self-harming?
*Do you have severe mood swings, such as feeling intensely depressed, anxious or irritable, which last from a few hours to a few days?
*Do you have long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness?
*Do you have sudden and intense feelings of anger and aggression, and often find it difficult to control your anger?
*When you find yourself in stressful situations, do you have feelings of paranoia, or do you feel like you're disconnected from the world or from your own body, thoughts and behaviour?
Source: NHS.
Stock photo: Sydney Sims/Unsplash
I try hard to keep this dark side of me out of sight, portraying myself instead as the the quirky, whimsical I-know-we-just-met-but-let’s-have-sex girl. People like her.
But without that special person to give my affection to I don’t see the point of me.
The very notion of needing a person like this jars. Saying it out loud, I know I have much to give. I am thoughtful, generous and exciting to be around.
But I’m also continuously crippled by self-doubt and believe I don't deserve to be here.
BPD, also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, refers to a long-term pattern of mood dysregulation.
It can be easy to confuse with bipolar disorder due to the overlapping symptoms, but a key difference is the moods of people with BPD are influenced by the world around them. This makes relationships, in particular, stormy and tricky to navigate.
Just like any other mental health condition, the experience is, of course, subjective and symptoms one person endures might be entirely different from the next sufferer.
Diagnosis and therapy
To be diagnosed with BPD, you must tick at least five out of nine symptoms, which can include frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable self-image, and inappropriate anger. Another is impulsive, potentially self-damaging behaviour such as binge eating, gambling, substance abuse or reckless driving. My impulsivity manifests as sexual promiscuity.
Often, therapy and medication in tandem are needed to reduce symptoms, acute episodes and manage BPD in the long term. However, it can be difficult to gain a diagnosis because even healthcare professionals can be reluctant to give such a controversial label.
stigma
Outside the medical profession, BPD stigma continues. Look up the condition online and a phrase you’ll frequently come across on message boards is ‘BPD chicks are amazing in bed’.
I sometimes view sex as self-harm, and men are happy to obliviously oblige. Once my impulsive traits cease to be beneficial, ‘BPD girls are amazing in bed’ evolves into ‘don’t stick your dick in crazy’. Of course, comments like this further compound my feelings of worthlessness, fuelling actions that result in yet more emotional distress.
One time I’d been arguing with a boyfriend because, yet again, I couldn’t control my angry outbursts. I felt guilty and knew he resented my disinterest in sex. So, I told him to fuck me. He couldn’t see my tears soak the pillow as he did me from behind. It felt like I was being raped, and afterwards I spiralled into an insidious self-loathing.
And so the cycle continues. BPD is like being sucked into a vortex of negative emotions.
misrepresented
I hate this notion that the psychological condition I live with 24/7, that regularly makes me want to end my life, is viewed by some as ‘sexy’. This incorrect and flippant view of what BPD is comes hand-in-hand with a lack of understanding about the condition.
It is complex. It is long-standing. It is difficult to live with and to treat. Some therapists may be hesitant to treat those with BPD, and studies have shown medical and mental health staff distrust and even dislike borderline patients.
This is heartbreaking, considering the distress we’re already in.
Stock picture of woman crying behind rain-covered glass. Photo: Milada Vigerova/Unsplash
Psychologist Marsha Linehan once described borderline individuals as ‘the psychological equivalent of third-degree burns victims. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering’.
It’s the most accurate description of what it feels like to have BPD that I’ve come across. Asking for help can be terrifying when you’re convinced everybody hates you.
For those who get help, medication can take the edge off symptoms, but Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is widely regarded as the most effective way of learning to manage them.
Access to help
Unfortunately, DBT practitioners are few and far between, and it can take years to reach the top of waiting lists. In my area, mental health cuts mean DBT is no longer even available on the NHS. The same is happening in pockets around the UK.
When I looked into private DBT sessions local to me, it would have set me back around £700 a month. Despite therapy being key to recovery and getting my condition under control – and making my life more bearable – the cost of getting help was, and remains, entirely prohibitive.
This is the reality for many people living with BPD and, compounded by the lack of professional support, relationships from all areas of our lives suffer. Over the years, my mum’s judgement about my sex life has come to have a real and negative impact on our bond.
So, what will help those living with BPD? Even though everyone’s experience of it will differ, I want society to understand and acknowledge the very real suffering we go through, and learn that sudden impulsivity could be a warning sign that something is wrong.
Remember, nearly four out of five sufferers report a history of suicide attempts. That is a lot.
what we need
Kindness is needed from our loved ones, friends, colleagues and partners - please don’t dismiss or take advantage of our distress. As for medical and mental health professionals – studies have shown just six hours of training can help them feel more empathy for BPD patients and better equipped to help us.
Compassion is key. Ask me how I’m really feeling during a difficult time, and you might hear I’m having impulsive, reckless or unwanted sex because I’m convinced I’m not worth anything more. That I’m letting another person treat me like an object in an effort to absolve myself of being, what I imagine to be, a terrible person. That I’m not really feeling so ‘sexy’ after all.
Being open to hearing our experiences — the good, the bad and the ugly — and reserving judgement to really hear us, will go far in helping sufferers live with Borderline Personality Disorder.
*For more information and support visit Mind. If you’re feeling suicidal, dial 999, call NHS Direct on 111 or contact the Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123
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